According to a multitude of studies, experiencing loneliness can be detrimental not only to our mental health, but also to our physical health, and it can eat away quietly in society like a black fog of discontent.

If you are experiencing loneliness, ironically you are not alone – up to half of all adults can feel the effects of loneliness in any given year.

A significant part of my doctoral research has been to investigate the effects of loneliness, particularly within rural communities.

Firstly, I want to distinguish the difference between loneliness and isolation: loneliness is an emotional state created within ourselves.

It is felt when you might lack any meaningful connection with other people – this is why you may feel lonely even when you are in a room full of people.

Isolation is felt when you HAVE meaningful connections with people, but there are barriers to spending time with those who matter to you, because of time, distance, financial or any other barriers.

Isolation and loneliness are terms that are often used interchangeably but mean quite different things.

When loneliness is experienced, those at risk can have an elevated risk of irritability, depression, and it is responsible for a 26% increase in premature death.

There can be temptation to fill our lives with digital distraction, Netflix and empty relationships.

As individuals and societies have become more independent and insular, we have not matched this change with the honing of any skills of how to be alone with our thoughts or to be content in our own company.

And yes, social media is partly to blame – communication is easy, but the relationships are often superficial, and they come at the cost of real friendships and connections.

Before solid and genuine connections are sought, it is more helpful to first learn to be ok with solitude: when we are content in our own company, we can begin to live in the moment, to study our surroundings in the here and now, to harness our thoughts and to feel our feet on the ground.

Self-awareness becomes the focus.

Being in this state gives our minds and brains a chance to rest.

We feel uncomfortable with both loneliness and isolation, because humans are hard-wired to connect – evolutionarily, we need to stick together in groups or clans to give ourselves the best life expectancy through mutual protection and assistance.

The pain of loneliness is an aversive signal that tells us to seek out human connection – much like thirst and hunger motivates us to find water or food.

Unfortunately, feeling lonely can also make us hyper-vigilant in watching others for social ‘dangers’ such as rejection, which can make us behave in self-protective ways that can push others away.

This was all created to ‘protect’ us from dangers that do not exist in the modern world.

This can make us feel anxious about going out of our comfort zones to talk to someone new, or to try and new activity.

The best way to ‘override’ these hyper-vigilant responses and to counteract loneliness, is to begin to create connection through making conversations, asking questions, putting yourself out there even when it feels scary to do so.

Think in advance about who you would like to approach and what you’d like to say to them. Acknowledge your discomfort and allow the sensations to pass in their own time, but carry on with your important committed action, no matter what.

After doing this multiple times, you are well on your way to building new neural pathways that will make this feel easier and easier.

And your nervous system will begin to feel safer, and eventually, this will become normal.

Building meaningful connections is the antidote of loneliness.

Kathryn Wright

Registered Counsellor

MNZAC

www.kathrynwright.co.nz