Sending your child off to boarding school is a big moment—one that can stir up a whirlwind of emotions for both kids and parents alike.

While the transition is often tough, the life skills and independence they gain are invaluable.

As professional coach Marina Shearer, founder of Thrive for Life, explains, "Parenting isn't about holding on forever.

“It’s about preparing your child to thrive on their own."

Shearer, who said she founded Thrive For Life during lockdown to help students “be their best no matter what stage they are at,” has a very real understanding of the best way to prepare students for boarding.

That’s not just because of her extensive training but also because of her personal experience, having sent her own three children to boarding school in Christchurch.

Shearer said that often, children are transitioning from a small rural school to a large high school, and that can be an adjustment.

“It’s going from little to big –at one point, you’re a big fish in a small pond, and then you’re a little fish in a big pond.”

Shearer said the first term is the toughest, and if students and parents can get through that, things become markedly easier.

“If we can just grit our teeth and make it through the first term, everything will be ok.”

There are also academic challenges, social change and dealing with forced independence - and the separation can often lead to homesickness for children and even grief for parents.

Shearer notes that mothers, in particular, may feel the loss of their “parenting purpose”.

“The hardest part for Mothers is when the last child leaves home.

“It’s like losing your purpose, and it’s ok to grieve that change.”

Shearer said it’s important not to put your own separation grief onto your child but rather lean on other parents who are in the same boat.

“Grieve with other mothers, not with your child.

“It’s not your child’s responsibility to manage your grief.”

Shearer said it can be more challenging for parents to ensure children stay on the straight and narrow from a distance, so it’s essential to have conversations on the dangers of alcohol and drugs.

“Parents lose influence, and peers take over as being the strongest influence.

“Parents need to have their radar turned on when it comes to alcohol, vaping and drugs.”

After the first two weeks, most boarding schools allow children to return home every weekend if they wish, which Shearer said provides an opportunity for parents to spend some quality time with their children so they can be sent back to school re-energised.

“When they come home at the weekend, have a lovely, caring family weekend together.

“Build them back up and recharge their batteries.”

Shearer said boarding school was a great way for children to have access to opportunities not always available in smaller, rural schools and to learn independence and self-management—skills that will make their transition to adulthood easier.

“Through our children’s lives, we should be thinking, how is this moment empowering my child to be independent?

“Our goal is to raise independent, self-confident, highly functioning adults.”

By Claire Inkson