Sometimes we get chucked together at Christmas time with relatives that we would probably not choose to have in our lives – if there was a choice. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. How do we get through?

Conflict with family members is really common but can make for a very anxious time at Christmas and other family gatherings.

There are a few ways you can reframe how you think about anticipating this time of year that can be really helpful, as can the introduction of boundaries.

I will introduce a few ideas in this article, however you must take what is helpful for you and your own situation, whether that be one or all of these ideas.

· Can you limit your time with the person/people? Stay for less nights or even just a day.

· Go for a long walk after mealtime (when the conversation can start to diverge). Good for the digestion as well.

· Focus on what IS going well – delicious food, that one auntie you can have a good laugh with, good weather, having a day off work.

· Although it is tempting, drinking too much will reduce your capacity to reason with yourself and others, and make it more likely that you’ll say something you regret.

· If conflict is common in family conversations, practice saying “can we agree to disagree?” as it’s not always about changing someone’s mind on a topic.

What behaviour will you not tolerate?

You cannot control other people, but you can decide to remove yourself from a situation if your boundaries are violated.

If you have a particularly nasty relative, I know that it’s not easy but try and muster up some empathy for them – they are likely that way for a reason, and being nasty, contentious, or cantankerous has become the only way they know how to deal with their own life.

It has likely become a protective mechanism for them. I am not suggesting that you be ok with the way they are but understand and accept that they are this way and limit your contact with them.

No matter what happens this Christmas, you can ALWAYS choose your own reactions to a situation – what you say, who or what you focus on, how much you eat or how much alcohol you drink.

You have full control over how you treat yourself and others – what do you want to stand for in the face of massive challenges that you may have very little control over?

How do you want to be able to look back at this Christmas and say how you handled it?

And a word here for those of you working overtime on-farm to “catch up” after some very challenging weather.

I know that the temptation to work through Christmas to try and complete tasks is very tempting.

You may even want to do this because you are “not a Christmas person”.

If you have children or young people in your family, this is about them. They will notice that you are not there on Christmas Day.

It means a lot to them for you to be there, whether you are a parent, grandparent, aunty, uncle, etc. If not for you, be present for them.

Thinking about your boundaries prior to Christmas Day will be helpful in allowing you to be clear about what you will and will not tolerate, but also in your general life.

Always remember that boundaries are about YOU and what you will accept – or not.

They are not about controlling or changing another person.

Christmas is a very short time that can be very stressful or very special. Sometimes both! Either way, you do have control over how it might look for you.

By Kathryn Wright

registered counsellor

www.kathrynwright.co.nz