Rural Recharge: Taking a smoko break for mental health with Kathryn Wright.

I see how much pain it can cause people to worry endlessly about what other people think or might be thinking about them. Welcome to FOPO: Fear Of People’s Opinions.

There are evolutionary reasons why we think this way – in order to survive back in the Palaeolithic times, we needed to be on top of our game and to fit in with others, or we could face certain death. To be accepted and to be a part of our clans, we needed to be liked, and to be able to offer some kind of value, whether that be through material possessions like weapons and warm skins, or food, medicine, knowledge, hunting prowess, caring for others, or some other skill. We needed to constantly check and compare ourselves to others to simply stay alive – the most common cause of death was murder by other humans.

Unfortunately, our brains haven’t evolved much since then, so we still get this fear of other people’s opinions, but it is rarely a life-or-death situation.

The single biggest predictor against the pain that FOPO can cause, is to deepen your understanding of who you are. Knowing yourself well can ensure that what other people may or may not think of you is no longer a threat. Just to clarify, that is WHO you are, and not how well we achieve, who we are with, what we have, and where we are.

To develop this concept, you actually need to look outside of yourself, which may seem a little counterintuitive. When you are stuck in FOPO, your attention is directed inwards, and with that can come self-judgement, shame, resentment, jealousy, and a general feeling of lack.

Try shifting your attention away from self-judgement to learning about what you might need to give depth to your life – purpose, meaning, everyday value. What are your hobbies and interests that you can get so involved in that time seems to melt away? Why do you enjoy them so much – what is it about these activities that gives you satisfaction? What about the people you love – how do you learn more about who you are when you are with them? What are your hopes, dreams, and goals in your work life and personal life? Why do you have these goals?

You will naturally evolve as a person over time – it’s what we’re supposed to do! See if you can give yourself the space to really lean into your experience of the outside world and figure out what matters to you. What was it that you were put on this Earth to achieve?

Asking yourself if you are living true to your purpose, rather than living up to other people’s expectations will be what organises your self-identity.

If you can allow purpose and meaning to become your internal motivators, instead of external factors like people’s opinions and their approval, FOPO will release its grip over you and your life. It will also allow you to feel as though you have more autonomy over what happens in your life and what path you take, which is particularly helpful when you are in some kind of situation where you feel as though you have little influence or control. There is always something you can do to fulfil that need for meaning in your life.

FOPO may be an evolutionary response, but targeted, focused attention onto what matters to you can get you out of that thinking spiral.

By Kathryn Wright

Registered Counsellor MNZAC

www.kathrynwiright.co.nz